there are always flowers

coming back.

2012-02-23T01:19:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a while since I last even looked at my blog, let alone wrote in it. I had a wonderful burst of passion for it over Christmas when I started writing, and felt that I had all of these things that I wanted to say, for myself but also to share with others. And then recently I hit a little metaphorical wall, and realised that there were lots of thoughts that I wanted to write about, but that I really didn't want other people to read about. And I think that panicked me a bit, so I stopped writing on here altogether, maybe fearing that I might write a little something that I would regret.

So, I have addressed this issue, and am enjoying the luxury that I can write and share whatever I like on here, whilst also having my personal paper journal for my own private thoughts. And that suits me fine!

And in fact there is some progress for my blog as well, since my good friend, Miki, who is hoping to go into illustration as a career, and who has massive talent, is creating a header for my blog. I have to hold my hands up and admit that the current one is just a bit of a rushed job on Paint, because I wanted something there that was more than just text. Miki and I are collaborating ideas at the moment and we will hopefully have created something soon. Exciting!

In other life news, I am about to finish my first proper clinical placement, which has been in psychiatry for six weeks. After my confidence blip before Christmas, I was feeling quite nervous about starting this placement. The thought of taking a history from a nice old lady was daunting enough for me, let alone somebody who was potentially psychotic or irritable. To add to this, my lack of experience of the subject had painted me a picture of a very negative place that was lacking in hope for the patients. It turned out to be quite the opposite, and I have really enjoyed this placement to the point that I am considering it as a career. I have felt very privileged to be let into the lives (which are often unbelievably troubled) of people who have never met me, but just trust that I will try my hardest to understand how they are feeling, and to help in any way I can...

relax, release them, let them go.

2012-01-11T13:36:00.000-08:00

Today has felt like a bit of a strange day. It hasn't been a bad day, in that nothing bad has happened, but I have had a generally low feeling throughout the day for no apparent reason.

I'm aware that I've been reprimanding myself during the day for eating slightly too much, and for eating when I didn't really want food. I have also come down on myself a bit for not doing any exercise today, with thoughts that other people around me are better than me at exercising, and at sticking to a plan for exercising and being healthy... now that I think about it, I have been comparing myself to other people in terms of attractiveness and slimness as well, which leads to the negative part of my mind telling me that I'm not as happy or successful as those people because I'm not as attractive as them.

It's silly, isn't it?

To help me try and turn these thoughts and feelings around, my counsellor recommended a really good website to me which helps you build your self-esteem and train your mind to overcome its resistance to positive thinking.

This evening I've been looking through the "Transform Your Attitude - Change Your Life" pages of the website, which I urge anyone to look at, even if they are not struggling with low self-esteem. Some of the positive affirmations they offer are really boosting. I think my choice of positive phrase for today is:

I choose to be gentle with myself.

Rather than being cross with myself for not doing exercise today - something which I cannot change - I will learn from it, and go swimming tomorrow instead.
Instead of feeling that I am less attractive than other women, I will remind myself of the things that some of my loved ones have told me about my beauty and my successes.

But right now it's time for bed, and I'm hoping that sleep will also help to brighten my mood. Tomorrow is a new day, and my mind is open to the possibilities that it will bring.

birds.

2012-01-06T07:24:00.000-08:00

Since I have re-embarked on this journey of self-discovery recently, I have been tapping into some of the spiritual beliefs which I used to hold. Not necessarily religious ones, simply feelings that seem to be rooted somewhere other than just my mind.

One of those feelings is that inside of me there is an angel, who is made up of all the wonderful people who have supported me, loved me, encouraged me, and inspired me since I was born. I believe that when I die, my angel will carry on. If I pass on the love and care that has been given to me, then maybe I might help to grow somebody else's angel too.

So, that's why I have a tattoo of wings on my back. To remind me of all the positive things that are inside of me, and inside of others.

Sort of linked to angels, I have also had a fascination and love of birds. I know it's cheesy but the line in Forrest Gump always seems to sum it up - "Dear God, make me a bird." If I could come back as something else after I die, it would be a bird. It seems like a childish and floaty thing to say, but it really is a deep, deep desire that I become a bird one day.

So... on a tattoo related theme (because people say that they're addictive!) I feel like I want to symbolise this desire in some way that is tangible. In my mind, I visualise it being a small flock of about six or seven birds (sort of dove-shaped birds) all flying, silhouetted. The big decision, though, is where to have them. As I am going into the medical profession, I have to look "normal" and "respectable" by not having tattoos anywhere on show while I am at work, which is fine. But it makes this choice a little more tricky! In fact, I'd even appreciate suggestions!

Today I thought I'd play around with a bit of face-paint and draw a little practice bird.

Obviously it wouldn't be on my arm, and I imagine each bird would be smaller than this, but it's a start! A fresh, new, exciting start...

happy new ears.

2012-01-01T10:16:00.000-08:00

Okay... so starting 2012 with a monster hangover perhaps hasn't been my finest moment; however, beyond the pounding headache and the dodgy tummy, I have a feeling that this year will offer some very positive opportunities.

On 9th January I will begin the next phase of my medical degree. I had quite a major confidence wobble during the past six months, and consequently sought some counselling in order to understand how I was feeling and the reasons for those feelings. Having had some time over the Christmas period to relax and allow my mind and soul to recuperate, I now feel much stronger and more ready to enjoy and succeed in the clinical parts of my training. I'm also really looking forward to embarking on some of the things which I wanted to do before but felt a bit nervous about, like going to jive classes, and doing more exercise.

This feels like a good time to make a little list of "resolutions", seeing as that's the tradition!

In 2012 I would like to:

do at least one thing every day which is purely for me,
be assertive and confident when I am working on placement,
eat smaller portions of food,
go to jive once a week,
swim a mile once a week,
go to choir once a week,
write more poetry,
take more beautiful photos,
go to Italy,
actually make a budget and stick to it so that I feel more relaxed about money,
make more effort to keep in touch with my friends, both in Sheffield and elsewhere,
tell the people I love that I love them.

So here's to new beginnings. Although I said will write more new poetry this year, I'd like to share a poem that I wrote a while back about beginnings and going through changes...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here we are again,

on the turn from yesterday,

tripping over our own feet in a change of

direction,

affections focused on some things new,

with flickers of yesterday still looking through

the cracks in the wall -

barrier

between today and what used to be.

But you could still tear it down and revisit

and see,

if you wanted to.

I wouldn't recommend it.

It's about time we moved on.

Not because of bad times gone,

but because lives are always changing,

stars and patterns rearranging themselves,

a fresh hand dealt to longing arms,

reaching out for something better.

Sometimes change will hurt.

But soon enough

we will adjust,

and touch our fingers on the sands of comfort,

and turn our heads to the seas of dawn,

and not feel scared.

italia.

2011-12-30T09:02:00.000-08:00

I am amazingly lucky to have been brought up by parents who earnt enough to be able to take their family on holidays every year. I have been to Italy twice before, once to Florence and Pisa, and once to Tuscany. I do remember being in awe of Florence's beauty, but I was only 10 years old - not quite old enough to really absorb and appreciate the atmosphere, history and culture of the place.

While I was at school (again, hugely grateful to my parents for spending their money to send me to a private school), I learnt Latin, and chose to continue it all the way up to A2 level. I loved the language, and still continue to relish in finding English words which I don't know but can decipher simply from my knowledge of Latin. I also really enjoyed the history involved in the subject, and I still find it exciting that we have links to people who lived and loved and worked hundreds of years ago. Rome was the centre of the Roman empire in those days, and is a key city which has shaped the development of Europe and most probably the rest of the world. When I was studying Latin, I also read some of Pliny the Younger's letters about the eruption of Mount Vesuvius and the destruction of nearby Pompei. So, Rome and Pompei are two places which I very much want to visit!

----------

I am now 22 years old, and am half way through my medical training. I haven't had the combination of enough money and time in order to have a holiday (one where I can really explore) since I started my degree. But I feel that now is the time...

My grandparents love Italy, and really understand that I would like to have some time there to see the places which I have read about; explore the language of Italian which is quite close to Latin (but obviously can actually be used in the modern day!); immerse myself in the country's art and culture; and scoff loads of proper Italian pastas and pizzas!

So, after months of speculating whether to go, when to go, and who to go with, I have decided to go it alone and spend 10 days travelling around Italy this April. So far my plan is to fly into Pisa, and work my way down through the country through Florence, Siena, Rome, Naples and Pompei.

I can't describe how excited I am!

christmas morning cranberry muffins.

2011-12-27T05:30:00.000-08:00

On Christmas morning this year my dad and I got up early and made some muffins together to have for breakfast while we all opened our presents. I rarely have time like this with my dad, so it was a real highlight! Also, the muffins were amazing - bonus! And they would be equally good at any other time of year, so here's the recipe...

Ingredients:

1 cup cranberries

3/4 cup sugar

1 1/2 cups plain flour

2 tsp baking powder

small pinch salt

1 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp nutmeg

1/2 tsp allspice

1 egg, beaten

1/2 tsp orange zest

3/4 cup orange juice

75g butter, melted & slightly cooled

Method:

Preheat oven to 190 degrees C.

1. Chop cranberries and sprinkle with half the sugar. Set aside.

2. In a large bowl mix together remaining sugar, flour, baking powder, salt and spices.

3. In a separate bowl mix together egg, orange zest, orange juice and butter.

4. Make a well in dry ingredients and add the wet mixture, gradually combining ingredients to make a wet dough.

5. Fold in chopped cranberries.

6. Spoon batter into muffin pans (preferably silicone) and bake for 15-20 minutes.

7. Enjoy with a dollop of mascarpone.

Sorted.

lights on.

2011-12-24T04:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I reactivated my interest in my deviantART account, made a nice new password for myself and dived into a little Aladdin's cave of things I had written and explored a couple of years ago.

I found a poem that I wrote in which the last couple of lines sort of sums up how I'm feeling at the moment:

Lights on -
now discover yourself within.

It was liberating, and almost exhilarating, to find tokens of my self-expression from previous years, and to realise that it is okay for me to access that again, and to celebrate it whole-heartedly!

My sense of self is growing by the day.

Usually when I come home from university, I shy away from catching up with old friends from school, and as a result end up feeling quite lonely. But this year, I have been brave and had two consecutive evenings of seeing people whom I hadn't seen in a couple of years. It was actually really comforting to see them and hear about what other people have been doing since they left school. I was also relieved to find that quite a lot of people are still at university as well, so it isn't just me!

Sometimes the thought of spending another 2 and a half years at university studying medicine does bog me down, but then I remember that I do really enjoy what I'm doing, and also that studying medicine doesn't mean I have to ignore or forget the other things in life that I enjoy. My grandad said to me yesterday, "University is all about the width of your experiences, not just focusing on a few fine details." He also told me that I really do have to sing. And he's right. I'm going to toot my horn and say that I have a really wonderful voice, and I must use it, otherwise it would be a massive waste.

Needless to say, I will probably spend most of day dancing around my parents kitchen and singing at the top of my voice to my SING SING SING playlist on spotify! My idea of a perfect Christmas Eve...

homemade presents.

2011-12-21T07:35:00.000-08:00

For the past few weeks, my body has been on overdrive and has done very well at fending off all colds that have loomed! However, I have now copped for the "relaxation cold" and have spent most of the day wrapped in my scarf.

I didn't really want to just sit in bed as that always makes me feel worse, so I thought I'd make some of my final Christmas presents ready for this Sunday.

I have tried to do homemade presents as much as possible this year (gone a bit mad really!), partly for financial reasons, and partly because I wanted to make things which were really personalised to each of my family members. I deliberated quite a lot about what to make my sister, and then found some ideas for some nice lanterns... so today that's what I've made!

The aim is for them to be hanging lanterns that she can put a little light inside and put around her room. Result!

I have wrapped my other homemade gifts, but I shall photograph them when they have been opened and blog them. Almost all of the ideas/instructions were found on the internet, so it might just be useful if anyone wants to have a go at making them! I found the instructions for the lanterns here.

And now... a cup of tea!

change.

2011-12-20T15:12:00.000-08:00

Over the past few months, my body and my mind have been going through some significant and sometimes difficult changes. I know that really I am in a constant state of change, but some things have felt much more noticeable recently. Often we feel like we must always be moving forward, but it has become apparent to me that I have lost certain parts of my character that I had years ago, and so I must move backward a little way to find those traits once again. And so begins this journey... of self-discovery, self-understanding, and self-praise to some extent. There is some building to be done.

It is coming to the end of 2011, and naturally at this time of year I turn to my family for some home comforts. Although Christmas can be a stressful time for families, for me it always offers solace. Today I went shopping for a real tree for the first time in my life, and this evening my mum, dad and I decorated it with a wonderful mixture of new and old trinkets...

Obviously, when I see pretty things, I just have to take photos of them! That's another thing which I have laid to one side a lot lately, and I'm realising that I can't blame it on "being busy" forever. Photography is something which I love, and I should really celebrate that, and continue to express myself through it. So if you are reading this, prepare yourself for lots more photos!

In general, I am embarking on a road of creativity, and of growth of my soul and mind. I invite you to walk along it with me if you will, and also share your own creativity and growth.